Relationship Rescue in 2012

Enhance Your Love Quotient!             

Why focus on loving your spouse one day a year when we can practicing loving our spouse every day! We know that successful relationships have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative and that we have to be intentional about focusing on the positive. Often over time we begin to take each other for granted.

What are some practical ways to love our spouse every day?

1. Every day do some small gesture that demonstrates your love. These would be small reoccurring things that perhaps you use to do for each other but over time these behaviors have fallen off. Examples: calling or texting during the day to say "Hi". Offering to help. Giving a compliment. Saying "I love you". Suggesting something fun to do together.

Need help getting this started? Each of you write down 5-8 things that your spouse does for you that result in you each feeling loved and cared for and share these with each other. remeber to be specific. For example, if showing kindness is what helps you feel loved, you may really need to spell out what kindness means. Words can have different meanings. Instead of "kind" you might say, "I feel loved when you offer to take the kids to the park so I can get a break" or "I feel cared for when you call my Mom to check on her."
Pick one thing from their list to do every day.

2. Find out your spouse's Love Language. The five love languages are:

Gifts (small or large, for occasions or no reason at all)

Quality time Together (doing any activitiy together, may include meaningful conversation

Physical touch (may or may not include sexual intamcy)

Words of affection  (compliments, "I love You", affirmations)

Gifts of service (doing things for the other or helping)

To find out each other's love language, rank the five items above 1-5 in importance to you in terms of feeling loved and cared for when you receive these from your spouse. Share with each other as well as specific ideas such as with physical touch: back rubs, hodling hands, cuddling on the couch, initiating sex and with Quality Time: sit and talk with me over coffee, watch the game with me, work in the yard together, go out for dinner.

We all have one main love language and perhaps a close second. The rest fall off from there in terms of their importance to us. Often we marry someone who's love language is not ours and in fact may be uncomfortable for us. We often show love to them in our own language and miss the boat entirely. We may need to stretch and love them in the place that's the hardest for us. It's all good...that brings growth in our own lives.

Practice several times a week loving your spouse in their love language.
Appreciate them when you see them loving you in in their love language even when it's not your own.
Now notice the positive shift in yourself and your relationship and enjoy!

Need more help understanding your love language? Check out Gary Chapman's Book, "The Five Love languages".                                                

Think Positive!

It's natural, from time to time in our relationships, to have negative thoughts about some of our spouse's behaviors. We may feel hurt or frustrated but over time, if left unchecked, these negative thoughts can slip over into Negative Interpretation. Now you begin to view your spouse as negative, not just the behavior. It moves from, "That behavior hurts or frustrates me", to "You are a hurfful or frustrating person". From this vantage point, even their positive behaviors can seem suspect, for example thinking, "They are only doing this to get their way." Marriage researcher, John Gottman, likens this to checking into the roach motel. "You can check in but you can't check out." It's really easy getting in to the roach motel, but it very hard getting out. You can get stuck in this negative mindset.

It's hard to get out of the roach motel because our brains are "wired" for survival. This is a good thing! Your brain stem and limbic area (the seat of your emotions and stress response) work together to warn you when their is something in the environment that is a threat. Because the mission is to keep you alive, your brain will over focus on the threat (in this case the negative behavior). When you over focus, the behavior (or threat) enlarges.

Research tells us that successful couples have a positive to negative ratio of 5:1. Overall, the environment in their relationship has a 5 to 1 ration twoards the positive. Because our brain tends to focus on the negative, we have to be very intentional about focusing on the positive. One way to grow your positive ratio and stay out of the roach motel is to intentionaly think positive thoughts about your spouse.

How to get started:

1. Spend one minute every day thinking about and listing all the positive traits  and behaviors of your partner and reexpereince the positive feelings you have around that. "They are thoughtful, kind, organized, fun, funny, strong, attractive, ect. When they are thoughtful, I feel loved, cared for, important.

2. When you notice you are having a negative thought about your spouse, acknowledge it and then list 3 of their positive traits and an example of each. Prepare this ahead of time so when you catch yourself in the negative thought you can recall them more easily.  For example,"Yes, that behavior was frustrating for me but they are kind, and I saw their kindness last week when they shoveled the neighbor's walk."

3. State to yourself daily, "We have a positive relationship and a postive memory for me in our relationship is..." Come up with a new positive memory, big or small, past or present, every day. Repeats are allowed!

4. Notice the big or small positive behaviors your spouse does or ways they exhibit their positve traits and tell them regularly.  For example, " I really liked it when you pitched in and helped with the big dinner clean up last night." or "Thanks for watching the game with me Sunday...that mean alot."

5. As a couple, agree to exchange appreciations daily and be specific. "I appreciated when you picked up those extra items for me at the store. Thanks for that." The other can say "Your welcome. One thing I appreciate about you is your kindness when you shovled the neighbors walk."

Think Positive and watch your positive ratio grow!

Have Fun!

Over time and certainly in response to stress, our relationship may fall into disrepair resulting in feeling distant and disconnected.

Intentionally having fun together on a regular basis results in greater feelings of connection and safety.

My son, a Pediatrition, practices this principle with his young patients at the clincic . The first thing he does when he enters the room is to get down on their level and make them laugh. This immediately creates safety, connection and a more relaxed child. The same is true for us in our relationships!

When we have fun and laugh together, we get a release of oxytocin in the brain. Oxytocin is the bonding hormone, thus resulting in a greater sense of feeling connected. When we feel more connected in our relationship, we feel safe and relaxed. 

How to get started: Sit down with your spouse/significant other and write down all the fun things you can think of, both high energy fun (activities that get your heart rate going!) and low energy fun. Then combine your lists including the things you both think are fun. Now you have a working list .

1-2x per week, intentionally schedule time together, pick an activity and have fun! Couples can take turns every other week picking the activity. Pick one high energy and one low.

Two rules: No kids allowed. This time is reserved for the two of you. No negative talk or discussing problems/ issues. Keep the conversation positive and well, fun!

Research shows that doing something novel together, even going to a new restaurant across town rather than your regular favorite can give a boost to oxytocin levels as well!

Need some ideas for fun activities at little or no cost?

Low: Give each other massages, hot tub, eagle watcing, cook together, board games, cards, puzzles, book store, rent a movie, read jokes to each other.

High: (Winter) sledding, sex, walking/hiking, working out, dancing, toy store (remember the movie, "Big"?) Wii video games 

Make it your 2012 relationship goal to have more fun!!